With twin four-year old boys, I am constantly reminded of how trying parenting can be. We are lucky to have happy and healthy boys, but they are BOYS in every sense of the stereotypical definition. Rough and tumble, lots of fun derived from noisy bodily functions, competitive and "cool." Thankfully they also have many important moments of sensitivity, compassion, sadness and joy. But above all else right now, they are dudes. Dudes sometimes do stupid things. And the boys are feeling their way through doing stupid things and formulating what is right and what is wrong. We had a learning opportunity last night that made me reflect on the work I do with college-aged students.
The boys were playing as my wife and I were cleaning up around the house. We heard some muffled yelling in their bedroom. This was not "I'm in pain!" screaming, but rather that suspiciously devious yelling accompanied by giggling that sends up red flags in the minds of parents. My wife got to the room first and opened the door to hear one of the boys yelling some choice words out the window of the house. The boys do not yet know curse words (as far as we know) and they do not quite understand the pejorative nature of some of the words they hear on a daily basis. They were yelling "Hey chubby man!" at the neighbor a couple houses away from us. They have an understanding of "chubby" from talking about babies and they have started using it when re-runs of The King of Queens come on TV (sorry, Kevin James). So they know what the word means but do not understand how it could make another person feel - which is where we come in as parents.
We were not quite sure at first who the boys were yelling at or if anyone heard, but we closed the window and had a firm discussion about their actions. When asked if they were yelling that at anyone in particular, they sheepishly nodded and pointed at the neighbor's house. By this point the neighbor was out of view. Angie and I debated what to do and decided that the neighbor may have heard and give the boys the opportunity to apologize.
We velcroed up the shoes and headed next door. Both boys were crying at this point - one boy said "I don't know what to say" and the other said "I'm scared!" We coached the boys a little bit before heading over, explaining why it was important to apologize and giving them some words to use. Using "I'm sorry I said bad words to you" was the script we gave the boys. We arrived at the neighbor's garage and the young man (probably mid-20s) and his mother were outside and they indicated they heard yelling and gave us a smirk, but we did not know for sure WHAT they heard. They are not the friendliest of neighbors (in fact, this was the first time we've talked to them in the two years we've lived in our house), and they were not overly receptive to the apology. But the boys said what they had to say and we apologized again. At this point one boy decided to say "Sorry I said 'chubby' to you." I cringed as my face began to blush - I wanted him to apologize but not to USE THE WORDS AGAIN! But he's a four-year old and even a rehearsed script can go awry. We thanked them for letting us talk to them and moved along.
The neighbors in the next house were out working and we decided to talk to them, too. The young man and his father were very receptive to the boys' apology and the older man thanked the boys for having the courage to talk and told them a couple times that they "did the right thing." The boys wiped a few tears away and smiled before we headed back home. We had another discussion about using words carefully and had another round of the "not everyone looks the same and everyone is important no matter what they look like" conversation.
I was angry and frustrated that the boys would say those kinds of things to other people. I felt like we had failed to teach them how to care for others. But then I realized they are four years old. And I realized it's not the worst thing they will ever say to someone else, and hopefully those more hurtful words still come when they don't yet understand what they mean. Because even though kids use hurtful words, you always hope it's because they don't understand the meaning, right? It doesn't make it better, but it makes it easier for a parent to reconcile.
This entire incident made me reflect on the work I do with college students. A former colleague of mine used to end fall RA training with a list of "charges" to the newly trained staff - a list of things that the group was charged with doing over the next year. The list was a way to remind staff about the things we had discussed during training and emphasize the things we hope to see them do (i.e. "respect different perspectives," and "risk the awkward conversation," etc). I have adopted this practice and while a vast majority of the items on the list have changed, one that remains is "teach apology." Hearing this for the first time was a revelatory moment for me - understanding that it was important to teach staff how to forgive and move on in relationships.
One of my great challenges in life and in my work is letting go and forgiving - even after someone apologizes. As much as I try not to take it personally when someone directs hurtful words at me or does something disrespectful to me, I do. And that one incident or moment of lapsed judgement is what I remember about that person each and every time I see them. My children are too young to understand this concept and our neighbor is likely not going to hold a grudge against a couple of four-year olds... but it is significant to me that these conversations happen now so that the ability to grasp the ways words hurt others has a lasting impression on their development. We need to teach our children and our students apology. Not only the significance of the meaning of a genuine apology, but the act itself. What does it look like to apologize? How do I approach the interaction? How do I start it and how do I end it?
The restorative justice movement in student conduct systems created opportunities to teach apology - but the process needs to extend beyond violations of student codes of conduct. It should apply to conversations we have about developing professionally, interacting socially and "being good neighbors." I have hope that our four-year olds will learn to use words more carefully and will have to apologize enough to learn how to do it effectively, but it is up to us to teach them. And it is up to us to teach our college students the same thing.
Thoughts? Feedback? I'd love to have a conversation. Find me on Twitter @pottscharlie or email cpotts@gustavus.edu.
(Photoillustration Ivy Tashlik; original images Shutterstock)
